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I have recently experienced some of the not-so-pleasant symptoms of menopause and my hormones are changing constantly. One minute I’m angry and take any comments out of proportion and the next minute I feel relaxed and sometimes tired. The main problem is that my relationship with my husband has changed due to my unpredictable moods. I feel guilty that I lash out at him but also angry at him for not understanding. How can we continue to grow together as a couple and not blame each other for this drastic change?
A lot of hormonal changes happen in menopause and mood changes happen hand in hand. So much emphasis is placed on the brain for behavior and it is easy to overlook the power that hormones have on our emotions and behavior. Unfortunately, a lot of women are misunderstood when they experience these changes and relationships can be damaged or even severed.
There is no way for your partner to understand completely what you are experiencing; it is your experience and it is unique and dynamic. However, “moodiness” or “changes” or “unpredictable” (whatever the two of you might call the problem) is having an impact on the both of you. It is trying to take over and place blame, which just makes things worse. You and your partner can work as a team to defeat “the problem” by incorporating the skills you have learned from each other over the years. I bet there are other problems the two of you have overcome together and celebrated in those victories. Here are some tips for remembering what you have done that has already worked (and maybe adding some new tools to your belt!):
Name the Problem: Give the “the problem” a name and encourage each other to reach out when it get’s overwhelming. Use the name of “the problem” instead of blaming each other. Remember, both you and your partner’s relationship and happiness are being affected so blaming each other just makes it worse. This is a team effort!
Communication: It is good to warn each other when “the problem” seems to be showing it’s ugly head. This means that when you sense “the problem” is approaching, you let him know and when he senses it he does the same. Listen and trust each other, as you have done in the past. Work together and develop a plan to keep “the problem” at bay.
You CAN teach an old dog new tricks: This “age old wisdom” of “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is really a hunk of bologna. While it can be more difficult to learn new languages, your brain does not stop learning and building networks of information. You and your partner CAN do things differently than you’ve done them in the past. And, learning together can bring you closer together! For example, you can take that salsa class, learn to play chess, or adventure to that new restaurant down the street. Taking little risks together is healthy and will build a stronger team to fight “the problem” together. What risks have you taken in the past together and how were you able to do it?
The moral of the story is, the two of you have stayed together for a reason and have overcome numerous obstacles. You have fought many battles, “problems”, and built solutions together. You have worked together as a team before while using some pretty powerful weapons together (and maybe sometimes against each other). What weapons did you use to fight off other obstacles together?
